An Open Letter to “So Delicious”

Dear “So Delicious”,

I happened across your “Mint Chip” Coconut Milk non-dairy frozen dessert while perusing the over-the-counter drug aisle for Zyrtec at Gelson’s in West Hollywood.

The only reason I really use Zyrtec so much is because I walk my friend Sheena’s two dogs every day, one being an adorable 11 month old rescued pit bull named Pancake. It amuses me that, as an openly celiac individual, I scream the word Pancake so much while trying to walk her. The real issue is that Sheena also has a bow-tie wearing cat in her menagerie, to whom I’m apparently allergic. I suppose I could refer to him a dandily-dressed dander machine, but I guess I digress.

From the array of possibilities in the freezer case, I chose the “Mint Chip” flavor as it fondly reminded me of trips to Baskin Robbins as a child with my father. A more innocent time when I freely ate dairy products and did not worry about dander or gluten.

After picking up the container, I hesitated for a moment and wondered if I should purchase the “Vanilla” almond milk non-dairy frozen dessert instead whose nutrition label boasted fewer calories per serving. Ultimately, I decided that my happiness was worth the extra 10-20 calories.

When the Gelson’s bagger packed my container in a small, nondescript, unmarked brown paper bag, I should have realized I wasn’t buying a normal pint of ice cream.

Outside the rather on-the-nose company name, I had no indication whatsoever that the container I was carrying would trigger spikes in the serotonin levels in my brain that would cause me to repeat multiple trips back to the freezer to get more spoonfuls of that creamy minty deliciousness. There was no warning anywhere that I’d want a quick mouthful before starting work in the morning.

Now, a mere day since purchasing the delicious dairy- and soy-free drug you are pushing, I feel like I need to attend a support meeting of some sort to admit in front of a group of anonymous attractive vegan-adjacent strangers that I have a problem.

I call upon you as a responsible brand to provide a framework for individuals addicted to your delicious products to be able to be honest in a nonjudgmental arena.

Don’t do it for me. I’m already too far-gone. Do it for the thousands of other consumers who may innocently and accidentally stumble across your hyper-addictive taste of heaven.

How many more people must succumb to delicious dependency before you do something?

Thank you,

Ezra